Frequently Asked Questions

As we all know, concluding an agreement in an adversarial divorce proceeding can take forever. In some instance, it can even take years. In divorce mediation, however, it only takes a fraction of that time. In fact, most couples will get to the point where it is possible for an attorney to prepare the initial draft of their agreement after three to five sessions.

As we all know, getting a divorce today can be very expensive. If the two of you turn to adversarial legal proceedings, it can cost a fortune. In fact, it is not uncommon for each spouse to spend tens of thousands of dollars in a litigated divorce. And they can spend that amount even if they are not wealthy. Divorce mediation, on the other hand, does not cost a fortune, which is one of the reasons why more and more divorcing couples are turning to it. In most instances, it will cost only a small fraction of what an adversarial divorce proceeding will cost. Nor will there be any retainers to pay. In fact, the retainer charged by most divorce lawyers will be equal to or greater than the entire cost of a mediated divorce. Just as importantly, there will only be one fee for both of you, not two.

Of course, every situation involves different issues. For that reason, cost is generally a function of time, and the fee will be commensurate with the time it takes for the two of you to conclude an agreement, and with the level of complexity of that agreement. During the initial free consultation, after your mediator has an opportunity to meet with the two of you and to get a sense of the complexity of the issues involved, he or she will be able to give you an estimate of cost.

Divorce mediation is a process that allows both spouses to maintain control over their future, even in challenging situations. While mediation can be a successful process for resolving most disputes, there are certain scenarios where it may not be suitable—or where it may need to be reassessed. That being said, it’s important to understand that mediation can still be effective in even the most complex divorces. The key advantage of mediation is that it allows you to maintain control over the decisions that shape our life moving forward, rather than having a judge decide for you. Here are some situations where mediation may require careful consideration:

• Mediation requires both parties to be willing to engage in good faith. If one spouse has a significant power advantage—whether financial, emotional, or legal—mediation might need to be approached with caution. However, even in cases with significant disparities, mediation can be structured to ensure fairness and transparency. A neutral third-party mediator will help level the playing field, provide information to both parties, ensuring that both parties have an equal opportunity to be heard and respected. You can also seek the support and guidance of an independent consulting attorney throughout the mediation.
• While mediation is effective even in divorces involving complex financial matters, it’s crucial that both parties are fully transparent and willing to negotiate. In high net-worth divorces or those involving intricate business or other complex assets, mediation can be an excellent way to avoid the high costs and time-consuming nature of litigation. With the help of neutral financial experts and other neutral professionals, you can still work through these issues together. At Divorce Mediation Professionals, we have a network of other professionals that we have called into unusual or complex matters to help resolve difficult issues. The key advantage of mediation here is that you, not a judge, will make the final decisions about your assets, liabilities, and future.
• If there is a history of domestic abuse—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—mediation may not be appropriate unless both parties feel safe and there is no risk of coercion. Mediation is about cooperation and safety, so it’s essential to consider whether both individuals can communicate freely without fear of manipulation or control. If you are concerned about safety, other legal protections and resources may be necessary before moving forward with mediation.
• Mediation is a voluntary process, and both parties must be willing to participate. If one spouse is unwilling to engage, mediation may not be possible. However, mediation can still be attempted if one spouse is initially resistant. In such cases, our mediators can help facilitate communication and potentially turn the situation around, but if one party is steadfast in their refusal, litigation may be the only alternative. The greatest benefit of divorce mediation, even in complex situations, is that you and your spouse remain in control. Unlike litigation, where a judge will make final decisions, mediation allows both parties to negotiate, agree, and design a settlement that works for both of you. You have the power to choose your mediator, decide the pace, and determine the terms of your agreement. If, at any point during the process, either party feels uncomfortable with any aspect, mediation allows you to stop and reassess. It is completely voluntary—if you feel that mediation is no longer a suitable path, you can choose to end the process and pursue litigation or other options. This flexibility ensures that you never feel trapped in a process that doesn’t feel right for you. While mediation may not be the right fit in certain situations, it remains an incredibly valuable option for most divorcing couples—even those with complex financial situations or high net worth. If you’re unsure whether mediation is right for your situation, we encourage you and your spouse to schedule a free consultation with one of our experienced mediators. We’ll help you explore your options and determine the best approach for your divorce.

• Set Goals, Define Priorities: During major life changes, the best antidote to anxiety is preparation. If you can, take the time to organize your thoughts and write down your goals. What are your hopes and plans for your life after divorce? In which areas are you willing to be flexible? What are your highest priorities? Financial security? An amicable co-parenting arrangement? A fair and equitable division of assets? All of the above? At the heart of mediation is compromise. You may have to adapt your wish list. But if you approach mediation with carefully considered thoughts about your most contested issues, you will be that much closer to resolving them.
• Manage Expectations: Mediation is about finding solutions that work for both parties. By its very nature, an agreement represents many compromises. There is not a "winner" or "loser". Try to manage your expectations by acknowledging this from the outset. Be prepared to listen, collaborate, and compromise on issues where possible. While you may have strong preferences, staying flexible can lead to a more peaceful resolution.
• If Possible, Communicate with Your Spouse Before You Start: For your first mediation session, the best thing you can do is come prepared. If you and your spouse are able to calmly discuss and perhaps resolve key issues together before you set foot in our offices, that means you will spend less time and money hashing them out with your mediator. Some couples we’ve worked with in the past have come to their first sessions having already decided on a division of financial assets, a co-parenting plan, custody of family pets, or a divvying up of furniture. Others have come to us at odds over every single one of these topics. That being said, if these conversations or correspondences are simply too stressful or painful, definitely save them for your mediation sessions. Among our other areas of expertise, helping you communicate more effectively is what we are trained to do. We will meet you, without judgment, where you are.
• Gather Financial Information: Financial matters are among the most commonly contested issues between spouses. Bringing your completed Financial Disclosure Form and any associated supporting documentation will help us make the best use of your time. With a clear financial picture, we can hit the ground running. We will provide you with a list of documents to bring, which will include documents such as tax returns, bank and investment account statements, retirement plan account statements, and credit card statements. You can also begin to work on your budget for what your living expenses will look like after your separation.
• Seek Support with the Emotional Aspects: Divorce can be an emotional process, but keeping your emotions under control during mediation will help keep the focus on resolving issues. Remember, mediation is a problem-solving environment, not a place for conflict escalation. Keep in mind that mediation provides an opportunity to control your own future. You and your spouse can craft an agreement that works for both of you, without a court’s intervention. This can lead to a more positive, long-term resolution. That is why it can be very helpful to seek support from a therapist, divorce coach or counselor to help you cope with the emotional aspects of your divorce as you navigate the practical issues in mediation.

In Divorce Mediation Professional’s mediation model, a neutral lawyer from our firm will work with both parties to formalize your separation agreement and prepare the uncontested divorce and other legal documents as required (such as a deed or a QDRO) on behalf of both parties. While your attorney-mediator does not represent either of you, she has the ability to streamline the process by acting as a scribe and legally formalizing the decisions you made during the mediation. In other words, we will take you through the entire process from beginning to end.

You are not required to hire outside lawyers unless you choose to. In mediation, we often refer to these independent, outside attorneys as "consulting attorneys". It is important to understand that you and your spouse both have the right to consult with an independent attorney of your choice at any stage of the mediation process if you choose to—whether it is between mediation sessions to discuss options or to review any drafts of your proposed agreement. If you do choose to work with independent consulting attorneys, they can provide you with additional guidance, legal advice, and support as you move forward. Keep in mind that any input from either spouse’s consulting attorney must be discussed and agreed upon by both spouses during the mediation with the help of your mediator so the parties maintain control over their final agreement.

We believe it’s important that you have the freedom to make the decision that’s right for you. Our goal is to provide you with the tools and support to make informed, fair decisions, whether you choose to consult with a separate lawyer or proceed without one.

In most cases, the cost of divorce mediation is shared between both spouses. Typically, people use marital funds—such as money in a joint savings account or shared assets—to pay for mediation. This arrangement should be discussed and agreed upon at the start of the mediation process to ensure fairness and clarity.

One of the advantages of mediation is that it is much more affordable than litigation, which can cost tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. Furthermore, at Divorce Mediation Professionals you pay as you go along, which makes paying fees more manageable. Many couples find that they are able to work out the financial details of paying for mediation without significant difficulty. However, it’s essential that you have a conversation with your spouse about how costs will be handled to avoid any confusion later in the process. This is something you can also discuss together with your mediator at the very beginning of the process. If you have questions about the cost of mediation, feel free to reach out to us to schedule a free consultation for you and your spouse. We’re here to make the process as smooth and transparent as possible.

If your spouse refuses to participate in mediation, it’s important to stay firm in your decision to move forward with your divorce. Sometimes, resistance can stem from feelings of denial or false hope, where one party may be unwilling to accept the reality of the situation. Here’s some guidance on how to handle it:

• Be Clear and Consistent: Make it clear to your spouse that you have made the decision to move forward with the divorce. Let them know that you want the process to be as amicable and peaceful as possible, and mediation is your preferred method for resolving the issues. However, if they are not open to mediation, you are ready to pursue other options.
• Make it Their Decision: Ultimately, mediation requires both parties to be willing participants. It is a voluntary process. You’ve taken the first step by being proactive and suggesting a collaborative, practical and cost-effective process. Remind them that you both will have more control over the process in mediation and it is worth a try. Suggest that you both attend a free consultation together to at least understand the differences between mediation and litigation.
• Maintain Respect: While it’s essential to be firm in your decision, it’s also important to maintain respect and compassion. Divorce is a difficult time for both parties, and your message can be clear and firm, while still being respectful of the emotional process your spouse may be going through. Sometimes they may need a bit of time to accept the reality of the divorce.

Though your spouse may be resistant initially, sometimes after having had a free consultation with one of our mediators and learning more about the benefits of mediation from a neutral professional, they will become more open to the idea of a more collaborative process.

Yes. Agreements are binding upon people because they sign them, and because they are executed in the manner directed by the law. They are no more binding because they were concluded in an adversarial divorce proceeding, where they were each represented by separate lawyers, than they are when they are concluded in mediation, where they are assisted by one lawyer.

Everyone knows that divorce is a traumatic experience and of course, your divorce is going to be difficult for your children. However, going to war over your divorce will not make it easier for them. It will only make it more difficult. When all of what you are now going through is over, it is essential that the two of you are able to deal effectively together, at least where your children are concerned. Your marriage, and your relationship to one another, may be over.

But your relationship with your children as their common parents is not. All of the studies on the effects of divorce on children have come to the same conclusion. It is not the fact of your divorce that will do permanent damage to your children. It is how you go about it. Did the two of you sit down in a common effort to address the issues that your divorce left you with and to make as much sense of it as you could? Or did you go to war over it, your and your attorney’s only object being to get as much as you could and to give as little as you have to?

Yes, you owe it to your children not to go to war.

Unlike a judge, a mediator has no power. He (or she) does not have the power to make any decisions in your life. (Unlike a judge, he doesn’t even have the power to make you attend the meetings.) That being the case, you are free to stand up and leave at any time. Thus, you do not have to worry whether your worst fears will be realized, or that the mediation will go in a direction that you do not like. Should that occur (and it very unlikely that it will), you are always free to terminate it. All that you have to do is stand up and leave.

The same is not true with an adversarial divorce proceeding, however. To be sure, you may have all of the power to start it. However, once it has begun, it takes on a life of its own. Moreover, rather than being the principal players, as you will be in divorce mediation, the two of you will be but bit players from the sidelines of the drama that you have set in motion.

As those who have turned to adversarial legal proceedings will tell you, you will literally have no control over those proceedings. On the contrary, it will become like a runaway train, and it will be almost impossible for either of you to stop it.

The question that you really should be asking yourself, therefore, is what you will do if you are not happy with the adversarial divorce proceedings that you have set in motion?

Unfortunately, since you will have lost all control of those proceedings once you have started them, there is no answer to that question. That is very frightening.

Choosing a divorce mediator is perhaps the most important decision that a divorcing couple has to make. But how are you going to make that decision? Divorce mediators are very different. They do not even come from the same professions. Some are lawyers, some are mental health professionals, and some are neither. Nor do they have a license from the state attesting to the fact that they have completed a certain course of study. There is not even a test that they must take or pass in order to become a divorce mediator. Worse, while many mediators will display certificates on their wall, those certificates really evidence nothing more than the fact that they have paid for, and completed, a very short course on the subject.

How then should you choose a divorce mediator? There are a number of things that you should consider.

• What is the professional background of the mediator in question that qualifies him or her? What is the quality of their education and previous experience? How long have they been engaged in the practice of divorce mediation? How many cases have they handled?
• Is the person engaged in the practice of divorce mediation on a full time or part time basis? In other words, is divorce mediation something that he (or she) does “on the side” or is it his principal vocation?
• What services does the mediator provide? Divorce mediation consists of three things: helping a couple conclude an agreement; preparing their agreement and seeing to its execution; and, finally, getting them a divorce. Most mediators do not and can not help a couple do all three of these things, however. That can substantially increase the time and the cost to complete the process.
• What is the divorce mediator’s reputation in the community?
• How comfortable do you feel with the mediator? Do you feel that he or she is intelligent and knowledgeable, and conducts him or herself in a professional manner? Do you feel comfortable and secure in his or her presence? Does he or she strike you as a caring person? Does he or she instill confidence in you?

Without question, there will be another consideration in your mind, as well. That is cost. Money is important, particularly now that you are separating. Nevertheless, you must be careful. Divorce mediation takes a great deal of knowledge, skill and experience.

As in most professions, not all divorce mediators are the same. Rather, their ability varies tremendously. So don’t be fooled into thinking that it doesn’t make any difference who you use. It does. Just as you would want the best divorce lawyer to represent you were you to turn to adversarial legal proceedings, you want the best divorce mediator to assist you if you turn to mediation.

Under New York Domestic Relations Law, there are seven grounds for divorce; four fault-based, two separation-based, and one no-fault based grounds. The grounds are:

• Cruel and inhuman treatment (fault based)
• Abandonment (fault based)
• Imprisonment (fault based)
• Adultery (fault based)
• Living separate and apart by judicial separation judgment or decree (separation based)
• Living separate and apart by separation agreement(separation based)
• Irretrievable breakdown (no-fault divorce)

These are references in Domestic Relations Law Section 170.

Prior to 2010, the only way to get a true “no fault” divorce was to enter into a separation agreement and wait one year to file for divorce (known as a conversion divorce). If a couple did not want to wait one year, that meant they would have to agree to use one of the other “fault” grounds in order to get a divorce…READ MORE

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One of the first questions that a couple with children will ask a divorce mediator is how child support is determined? New York State has guidelines to determine the appropriate level of child support based upon the combined incomes of both the “custodial” and “non­custodial parent”…READ MORE

The main task of a mediator is to act as a neutral voice assisting a couple in coming to an agreement that both parties can agree to, one which is in the best interest to both of them. A divorce mediator provides information and a constructive environment to help the parties communicate, and understand their individual and common interests so that they can explore reasonable options and make practical decisions that benefit their family…READ MORE

The most common method of obtaining a legal separation in New York is by entering into a Separation Agreement. Although legal separation can also be obtained by decree of judicial separation, this is not something that is commonly done…READ MORE